Tag: thoughts

Never forget.

I have a little over a week left in San Diego, which means reaching my delayed inevitable of saying goodbye to friends and a chapter of life, and moving on to the next chapter. And with that comes saying goodbye to posting on this tumblr. It’s been a while since this blog has seen any quality post, and every time I think of wanting to actually blog, I don’t know what to write. Maybe I’ll find another blogging platform, or maybe I’ll return to this one day (and maybe it will be really soon), but for now it shall remain as a relic of my college years—all the good, bad, and mindless reblogging collected through the years. 

So I guess more than anything, this is a note to me and my future self of things to remember and live by when I decide to peruse through here in the near future:

  • Never forget to stay humble and grateful.
  • Never forget that you are not better than anyone else, but never let anyone walk over you.
  • Never forget why you started this career to improve nature, cities, and walkable communities.
  • Never forget that you once supported high taxes, universal education, and universal health care. And should still do so.
  • Never forget that truth, honesty, and communication (no matter how brutal) makes for the healthiest relationships.
  • Never forget that you made a promise to never become busy.
  • Never forget to stay young at heart
  • Never forget to keep in touch with friends and family.
  • Never forget to love, be it yourself or others.
  • Never forget that you wanted to see the world.
  • Never forget your dream of New York </selfish>
  • Never forget that you don’t have bones of glass.

Now go on and enjoy life; make the most of it. 

Ex animo,
Terentius

94 days of summer in San Diego.

[link]

It’s been a crazy four years in San Diego. I never thought I would enjoy this place, but bit by bit, I think I am starting to appreciate this little cozy chill town. Sure, it’s at the end of my four years, but better late than never right? I also visited LA today and visited the USC campus. They do have a nice campus, but it doesn’t have the same feeling as UCSD. I think it’s come full circle in finally appreciating UCSD. I still wanna bomb the fuck out of those eucalyptus trees and redesign the freaking landscape.

Things I’ve done and things to do. 27.5/94. That’s an F. There’s still lots to do compared to what I’ve done…

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T-minus 13.

In two weeks I will be in the city of concrete jungles and shining lights. I don’t think words can really capture how excited I feel about revisiting NYC (although the last time I went was with family and I vowed to never set foot there again, but I was also a young and naive little creature). It’s about the same excitement I felt when leaving for Copenhagen, except I don’t have to worry about things like being in a foreign land for months and stressing over trying to find friends or community. My dad gave me a map of Manhattan when he went there on a business trip years ago, and I’ve been dreaming of the day I can walk down those very streets I saw on paper. 

This is a place where I would love to live. I would kill give anything to inhabit such a dense and bustling city. To be surrounded by people in a fast-paced life and yet there are still pockets of serenity for escape. To be surrounded by place, the sociological idea of a neighborhood with a unique characteristic and community in which citizens interact with each other and their environment. To be surrounded by stores, grocery markets, restaurants, libraries, museums that are all within a doorstep and walk away. And lastly, to have decent, working public transportation so that I don’t need to depend on a car. Because the last thing Earth needs is more vehicles to pollute her. (There are also millions of other reasons on how cars destroy public life and human interactions, but that’s another topic worthy of its own blog and even courses that I have taken.)

I may be an introvert who needs quiet time every now and then where all living beings magically disappear from my life for a short period of time, but the crowds of people in a dense area is one thing I can’t live without. It’s invigorating to see so much life and movement, to have life happen right in front of me and be a dot in a crowd that participates in this life that is happening.

I grew up in the epitome of suburbia, even though my hometown is the fourth largest city in the Bay Area with a population of 200,000+ people. There are expensive houses left and right, all located in great school districts, but that is all there is. It is a bedroom community with no life; we literally only recently got our first movie theater spring of 2012. I moved from here to another, very similar suburbia for college, and let me tell you I am suffocating every day in sleepy La Jolla. 

Much like my need or want to finish school and start working ASAP, I want and need a change of pace in life and maybe a change for the better. I know I will never want to live in suburbia. Even if I have a family or when I retire. I guess it’s because I didn’t like the physical environment in which I grew up and have lived in for the last 21 years, and there is sense of freedom/autonomy/independence that I feel when visiting or living in a city.

New York will be more than just visiting for fun with friends for me. It’s my own retreat to be invigorated and breathe life again. This whole quarter has really draining on me, physically and emotionally, and there is nothing more that I want than to literally feel life (or lives) rush past me down the streets of a defined place.

ISFP.

They are very private people, who keep their true feelings and opinions reserved or hidden from others.

—personalitypage.com on ISFP

I do somewhat question psychological and personality tests cause sometimes they’re just overly-general remarks or observations that could be applied to anyone, and thus would seem to “resonate” with the reader. Whether or not the above description rings true of all ISFPs, I know it is very true for myself.

Normally I don’t tell people of my emotions or opinion of people/personal subjects unless it is drawn out from me. In fact, I am a very controlled and inhibited person with a very strong filter and I don’t display my true feelings or emotions easily; they’re all just sort of stuffed down (like excitement, anger, or love), and I really don’t know how I would react if these emotions were to spill out past my filtered walls. As I’ve mentioned before, the reason I like drinking and getting drunk is because I become uninhibited where I lose control over my filter and become more “me.” Really, it’s quite a sad thing to need to drink to, in one sense, become yourself.

I’ve grown up since high school never being close to anyone, drifting from friend-group to another. I’ve learned to close myself off, learned to not become dependent on people, and in effect become closed-off, emotionless. A lot had to do with insecurities and a fear of getting rejected, but yet I really had nothing to lose from back then. It’s funny to think how far society has come and how much more accepting it is from just a few years ago. 

I think my highly inhibited self, my willingness to not be dependent on people were all defense mechanisms to prevent myself from being hurt if it ever came to that. You can’t be injured if you never try. But that’s really ironic considering that my tattoo says that I don’t have bones of glass, that I am stronger than who I think I am, and that I am to live without regret. I’ve wholeheartedly embraced this motto in doing things, events in life (New York on a whim anyone, or dropping a shit-ton of money for Broadway tickets?), but not when it comes to my own personal life that makes me who I am. 

So here I am, living a string of regrets leaving me thinking “what if.” What if I didn’t give a fuck about my high school years and didn’t care too much about fitting in; what if I had been more confident or comfortable of myself to come out earlier when opportunities presented themselves; what if I had reciprocated and displayed my feelings for a boy, even if it might not have worked out due to prevailing circumstances; what if I had come out to my co-workers when, again opportunity had presented itself; what if I were more comfortable with who I am and where I want to be than being stuck in this current ruthole. 

Each of these situations require that I take a leap of faith into the unknown, but I’m still too scared to do so. I’m still too scared of not being in control of the situation, still too scared of an oft-chance of getting hurt. I’m still scared of opening up to people and being vulnerable, because doing so is to ultimately resign control over my composure or inhibtions. So every time someone asks me how I’ve been this quarter, I just glaze over that topic and respond with something along the lines of not caring about life anymore due to senioritis, when really my dysphoric mood runs deeper than that. Of course at the same time, I use things like blasting music with turned up bass and dreaming of New York to numb my thoughts and not have to confront whatever underlying issue is bugging me.

Maybe I just need to take that leap of faith and give up trying to control to prevent myself from getting hurt.

But on a side note, it feels good to write on here again instead of mass-reblogging.

Late night streams.

Wow it’s been a while since I actually wrote and blogged my stream of consciousness, much less religion. Today was my first day back at any church-related event in a while, going to an InterVarsity message. Lately, I’ve seemed to really distance myself away from InterVarsity and much of the student org; most of my friends are or were part of this org, and I love those people, but I’ve become really jaded by it. And though I still have begrudging and cynical view towards church, Christianity, InterVarsity, etc. there was this feeling of gratitude to be there tonight even if I only enjoyed the earlier part of worship. In a way I do miss God and His love, and that knowing He is with me throughout my ups and downs and almost-conscious decision to fall away. 

But it’s that state of almost that I’m stuck in. To me, God is real and personal, but there is something about the religion that is keeping me at bay, keeping me in a state of almost being uncomfortable associating with Christianity. 

It’s funny to think that just a week ago, I was at a gay club and bar with a friend and her coworkers. It was fun, though, even if I got quite wasted right before classes started. But I guess it’s that fun of losing control and inhibition of a barrier I’ve built up over the years. It was fun because even though I didn’t know these people, I was able to be out and honest to them. No hiding or feeling a need to pretend.

I’m beginning to understand why gay soldiers reacted and wanted to repeal “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” Why do you have to hide a part of who you are, or that feeling of society pressuring you to perform to the status quo or social expectation. That status quo of heteronormativity is strong in society—and especially the Church—and I feel this need to perform to societal expectations of this stereotype of a “man” or whatever the hell that is. I hate it. It’s caused so many troubles, mental breakdowns, and thoughts. There’s this need to perform around the Church or people I don’t know, and it probably stems from a subconscious defense mechanism of “passing as straight.”

But I don’t want to. I’m not straight. I’m gay and I would rather people just ask me so I don’t have to keep up this performance. That itself is also a problem, because people don’t ask unless someone is stereotypically “gay.” What does that even mean? It’s just as much a stereotype and gender role performance as a stereotypical “man” that I don’t want to play. Why can’t there be a perfect world with no gender roles (sarcastic emphasis on perfect). 

Bottom line, I just want to be how I am without having to perform or associate with a certain role, and be comfortable doing so. To be comfortable as myself in church and Christianity is what I want, but not how I feel because truthfully I can’t be myself around most people due to theology. God is real to me, whom I know loves me for who I am, and the message tonight was “surrendering yourself to follow Him,” but is it worth surrendering my being or wanting to be comfortable with myself to “follow” God and be surrounded by a community that doesn’t seem to accept this sense of comfortability? I don’t know if following God or associating with a group is ever worth sacrificing my metaphysical myself just to spend eternity as a fake amongst those people.  

I love it when guys begin a sentence with “I’m not straight or anything..” and then follow that up with a comment about another guy’s muscle mass or how built they are. This basically happened today at the gym when a guy I was sharing equipment with (who was very well-defined and whom I really had no physical attraction towards), gave me pointers on strength versus muscle mass building. Then another guy that I normally see while working out joins in on our conversation and then later comes up to me and says “I’m not gay or anything, but damn that guy was hella jacked.”

I mean I’m not straight or anything, but I can sure as hell can tell when a girl has big boobs without having any sexual thoughts associated with said observation. Or that Emma Watson is one beautiful human being.

I found that situation somewhat ironic haha. But seriously, why does there need to be a “no homo” tagline attached to comments from guys about other guys? It doesn’t really happen with girls who comment about other girls. Like is that phrase really necessary in preserving one’s masculinity, or even why there’s such a societal obsession/standard of defining “the man” and masculinity? I guess I’ve just been lately thinking about gender roles, performance, how black and white society tries to make it to be, and my own experiences with it.

LOLOL saving this post specifically for today. Oh god, this is the first time ever having any Valentine feels ggfml. Such a depressing statement, yet both true and false at the same time. There are people that will always love you… just not that one person that you can love as well and be pathetically gushy about. So long as it doesn’t reach the level of obscene PDA seen in Copenhagen with five minute goodbye kisses consisting of eating each others’ faces off to display for the whole world to see. 
I rarely talk about love and only really thought about love since the past half year. I’ve never truly been in love, nor have I had a legit date sort of thing (and I would really like to go on one before graduating :P). Crushes, maybe yes, but ones I didn’t act on or couldn’t act on. An on-and-off thing in high school, but it was just that—on and off and not the greatest thing. I’ve been scared of love, scared of falling in love, scared of letting myself fall in love. Maybe because love can be so fickle, or so pervasive that you end up on a cloud, or something else. I guess there’s still much more for me to learn and experience about love.
But until then, I suppose I will wait for the day I meet you and can do crazy stupid things together, whoever you are, wherever you are now. I hope you’re out there.
Ex animo.
#ohgosh #beingmushyonlove #momentofhopelessromantic

LOLOL saving this post specifically for today. Oh god, this is the first time ever having any Valentine feels ggfml. Such a depressing statement, yet both true and false at the same time. There are people that will always love you… just not that one person that you can love as well and be pathetically gushy about. So long as it doesn’t reach the level of obscene PDA seen in Copenhagen with five minute goodbye kisses consisting of eating each others’ faces off to display for the whole world to see.

I rarely talk about love and only really thought about love since the past half year. I’ve never truly been in love, nor have I had a legit date sort of thing (and I would really like to go on one before graduating :P). Crushes, maybe yes, but ones I didn’t act on or couldn’t act on. An on-and-off thing in high school, but it was just that—on and off and not the greatest thing. I’ve been scared of love, scared of falling in love, scared of letting myself fall in love. Maybe because love can be so fickle, or so pervasive that you end up on a cloud, or something else. I guess there’s still much more for me to learn and experience about love.

But until then, I suppose I will wait for the day I meet you and can do crazy stupid things together, whoever you are, wherever you are now. I hope you’re out there.

Ex animo.

#ohgosh #beingmushyonlove #momentofhopelessromantic

  • I feel so checked out from school now. 
  • One month back in the States, I am back to 128# again. Maybe I can get to 135# by the end of the school year.
  • I finally signed up for the ROC Race with friends #killingthis5K. Been running and working out every weekday and it feels mighty good.
  • I bought a classy-ass vest yesterday from H&M and I can’t wait to wear it tomorrow. 
  • Job interview tomorrow. Fingers crossed for Roppongi happy hour as well @funkeemonkee.
  • Kesha’s new song C’mon is really catchy. 
  • One more month til 21 and possibly that tattoo. 
  • Still working out my life and stuff, but I think it’s getting better, slowly. Trust and letting go; God why do You have to make it so hard for me. Or I guess why is it so hard for me.