They are very private people, who keep their true feelings and opinions reserved or hidden from others.
—personalitypage.com on ISFP
I do somewhat question psychological and personality tests cause sometimes they’re just overly-general remarks or observations that could be applied to anyone, and thus would seem to “resonate” with the reader. Whether or not the above description rings true of all ISFPs, I know it is very true for myself.
Normally I don’t tell people of my emotions or opinion of people/personal subjects unless it is drawn out from me. In fact, I am a very controlled and inhibited person with a very strong filter and I don’t display my true feelings or emotions easily; they’re all just sort of stuffed down (like excitement, anger, or love), and I really don’t know how I would react if these emotions were to spill out past my filtered walls. As I’ve mentioned before, the reason I like drinking and getting drunk is because I become uninhibited where I lose control over my filter and become more “me.” Really, it’s quite a sad thing to need to drink to, in one sense, become yourself.
I’ve grown up since high school never being close to anyone, drifting from friend-group to another. I’ve learned to close myself off, learned to not become dependent on people, and in effect become closed-off, emotionless. A lot had to do with insecurities and a fear of getting rejected, but yet I really had nothing to lose from back then. It’s funny to think how far society has come and how much more accepting it is from just a few years ago.
I think my highly inhibited self, my willingness to not be dependent on people were all defense mechanisms to prevent myself from being hurt if it ever came to that. You can’t be injured if you never try. But that’s really ironic considering that my tattoo says that I don’t have bones of glass, that I am stronger than who I think I am, and that I am to live without regret. I’ve wholeheartedly embraced this motto in doing things, events in life (New York on a whim anyone, or dropping a shit-ton of money for Broadway tickets?), but not when it comes to my own personal life that makes me who I am.
So here I am, living a string of regrets leaving me thinking “what if.” What if I didn’t give a fuck about my high school years and didn’t care too much about fitting in; what if I had been more confident or comfortable of myself to come out earlier when opportunities presented themselves; what if I had reciprocated and displayed my feelings for a boy, even if it might not have worked out due to prevailing circumstances; what if I had come out to my co-workers when, again opportunity had presented itself; what if I were more comfortable with who I am and where I want to be than being stuck in this current ruthole.
Each of these situations require that I take a leap of faith into the unknown, but I’m still too scared to do so. I’m still too scared of not being in control of the situation, still too scared of an oft-chance of getting hurt. I’m still scared of opening up to people and being vulnerable, because doing so is to ultimately resign control over my composure or inhibtions. So every time someone asks me how I’ve been this quarter, I just glaze over that topic and respond with something along the lines of not caring about life anymore due to senioritis, when really my dysphoric mood runs deeper than that. Of course at the same time, I use things like blasting music with turned up bass and dreaming of New York to numb my thoughts and not have to confront whatever underlying issue is bugging me.
Maybe I just need to take that leap of faith and give up trying to control to prevent myself from getting hurt.
But on a side note, it feels good to write on here again instead of mass-reblogging.